


The Tragic Love of MaRey Sue and Emo Crylo Ren: From a certain Anti-Reylo point of view

by Anonymous



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Also NEVER compare Reylo to Anidala, Better Than Canon, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Female Anti-Hero, Gen, Kylo is a loser, Movie: Star Wars: The Force Awakens, References to HISHE, References to robot chicken, Rey is boring, Star Wars - Freeform, Star Wars: The Force Awakens Spoilers, Star Wars: The Last Jedi Spoilers, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Spoilers, The Force, WAAAAY better, anti sequel trilogy, but she'll try to improve herself here, but you will, don't read if a reylo, hmm prob so I can say I tOLd yOU SO, no really, pro Anidala tho, so much crack, sounds about right, this is purely fun FOR anti-reylos, why am i bothering with a warnings, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:46:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27470689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: What it says on the tin!! The tragic story of MaRey Sue and Crylo Ren, from an Anti-Reylo POV!!!DO NOT READ IF A REYLO AND/OR YOU CANNOT TAKE A JOKESeriously, don't. This is purely insulting Crack. CRACK. FOR FUN. FOR ANTI-REYLOS.SERIOUSLY, THIS IS ANTI-REYLO CRACK. DO NOT IGNORE MY WARNINGS!
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9
Collections: Anonymous





	The Tragic Love of MaRey Sue and Emo Crylo Ren: From a certain Anti-Reylo point of view

**Author's Note:**

> Ahem, ahem
> 
> ATTENTION PEOPLE!!!!
> 
> This is a Reylo crack fic written for anti Reylos for fun ok? If you are a Reylo and/or can't take a joke DO NOT READ
> 
> But you will, won't you? Welp, don't say I didn't warn ya, so don't come crying to me about how your favs be here.
> 
> So, to summarize (heh) this is the crack vers of the whole Star Wars sequel trilogy. For people who hate it and/or don't like how it showed your past original trilogy favs, enjoy!!
> 
> Again, DO NOT READ IF A REYLO
> 
> Or if you can't take a joke.
> 
> If you ignoring this, it's on you.

Hi, my name is Marey Kenobi Skywalker Palpatine Sue but you can call me Rey. I have plain brown hair and mud brown eyes. Everyone says I’m pretty because I look like an actress from those holo dramas and I get really offended every time someone brings that up. Strong Women can’t be pretty, ugh. Femininity…that’s for weak women.

I have a secret that I can’t risk anyone knowing: I’m actually part droid! A scientist named JJ kidnapped me when I was a baby and turned me into a cyborg. He programmed me to be the Perfect Human (he told me he wanted to please some people and copy from a man named George or something.)

So, I was just living my life on this desert planet called Tatooine 2.0 and doing some “scavenger” stuff. Suddenly, I met an orange droid called BB-8. It produced a series of beeps. I am really poor and never owned a droid in my life so naturally I understood what it was saying. I told it to go home and gave him mixed signals about him wanting to tag along because I glitch sometimes.

I was really hungry and wanted to sell him off but then I realized my inherent kindness was the reason I survived on my own for so long so I decided to sacrifice my meal and save this random droid I just met. I also happened to meet this man who had followed BB-8. He seemed a little suspicious but I decided to smile wildly and let him come along with me to take the droid to an organization I am affiliated with in any way.

“Are you my soulmate Crylo Ren by any chance?” I asked him. He seemed shady so I knew he might just be my type.

“Crylo Ren? That sounds like a loser’s name,” said the man. “And don’t bother, I’m gay for Poe DAMNeron. Finn, by the way.”

“Oh okay” I said sadly. “I’m sure I’ll meet him someday.”

Another man showed up just then.

“Sup, I’m Poe DAMNeron. I heard you were talking about Crylo. You might meet him sooner than you think! I met him. My bet is he’s gonna find you cuz you saw the map from BB-8 and mind rape you.

“Sounds fun!” I said excitedly. Finn gave me an odd look. I wondered if my reaction was inappropriate. ‘Kriff, I need to work on that.’

I started a ship that had been deserted for years and I happened to be a better pilot than Han Solo himself. ‘Who knows I might even become a Jedi at this rate!’ I think. Sometimes I just feel sad because I can do anything without facing any struggles and I can’t relate to anyone else around me. I blame JJ a little for this, he put me on too high a pedestal. I just hope I get better and more like a normal human along the way.

*

In a throne room that looked suspiciously similar except with very obvious coloring, sat a white bald man. He stroked his chin for a while as two men kneeled in front of him.  
  


“I have decided I want to go by Supreme Dark Lord CGI Voldemort from now on,” he declared.

“Isn’t that a little…uh unoriginal?” said a red-haired man.

“Silence! That’s what I was created to be anyway.”

“Exactly, Hugs you prep,” said the other man with (totally dyed) black hair. “The First Order is ripped off the Galactic Empire and rose for…reasons. It doesn’t have to be kriffing original!”

“Emo!” spat Hux.

“Children, stop fighting among yourselves!” cried CGI Voldemort at the two thirty-something men. “Hux, you are dismissed.”

Hux stuck out his tongue at the emo man and left.

“Now, what news about the map on Luke Skywalker?”

“It’s on a droid in Jakku. I found an old man who saw it but I killed him because he brought up my family.”

“Stupid Krylo, why would you do that?”

“I got butthurt, Master. I didn’t realize then I could just interrogate him and obtain the map.”

“That was dumb. You’re no Vader.”

“I’m trying to be, Master.”

“You’re a disgrace Crylo. Remind me why I made you the leader of the Knights of Ren again?”

“I am better at slashing my lightsaber and at striking the ground while looking better while doing it. We are just members of an emo boy band after all, not sith lords.”

“Yes, I remember now. This is what happens when I appoint some emos to enforce my rule. Now leave me. I have a headache. Someday I might lose all my brainpower dealing with you lot that you’ll stab me with your lightsaber using the force.”

*

Crylo went to his chambers and took out the burnt mask of his grandfather. It was his most prized collection, along with all of his grandfather’s old capes, boots and…other things. You don’t want to know how he had recovered that mask.

“Grandfather, I feel like I’m destined to be redeemed like you!” he whined at the mask though it was obvious that no one was listening. “I am totally okay with murdering my loser dad and the rest of my loser family. But it’s my destiny to be redeemed. Help me stay bad! It’s not like you redeemed yourself in the end. I want to be just like you!” cried the poor boy but only dead silence was his answer.

In Force Heaven, Anakin Skywalker considered visiting his upstart emo of a grandson (as he liked to call him) and smack him in the face for his constant moaning and whining about first world problems but his wife and mother convinced him to let it go. Anakin however had a throbbing headache and a strong urge to give that little brat what he deserved.

*

Crylo had a headache too. His grandfather, his idol, was ignoring him just like he did his entire life! ‘He must be in force hell for all the bad but badass things he has done.’ The thought made him smile.

“Sir, that girl has escaped!”

“WHAT,” screamed Crylo as he smashed government property everywhere. This is exactly what his grandfather would do, after all. But of course, she did. She can do anything.

He recalled meeting the girl he had knocked out and torturing her later. He had been intrigued by the nineteen-year-old, so he _accidentally_ touched her bewbs and he had tortured her some more. He had even taken off his mask during interrogation just so she would take a look at his handsome face. He had even worn black eyeliners for the occasional but the girl didn’t notice.

“Why did you take off your mask?” she asked in confusion.  
“So, you can look at my face. Duh.”

“Doesn’t that make you less intimidating and defeats the purpose of wearing the mask in the first place?”

“Huh,” was all he could reply, he wasn't very smart. This girl, Rey, was super smart though. How dare she be smarter than him? He began the interrogation as he violated her mind. But he couldn’t even after years of training. The girl was different. It was like a wall blocked him from seeing her thoughts.

“I feel like you mind raped me,” she said.

“Yeah, I think it was true love. You felt it too?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay I am going to leave you here with virtually no extra security cuz I’m being nice.”

“Thanks!” said Rey.

*

After a bunch of pointless action scenes no one cares about, Crylo found himself back in the Supreme Dark Lord’s room.

“How THE HELL did a girl with no training at all beat you, a man who has been trained in the ways of the Force since you were a baby?”

“Her name was Marey Sue,” Crylo said humbly.

“That…explains a lot. Still you could have at least bothered putting up a fight, you coward! You almost got your ass handed to you by that totally non-force sensitive ex-stormtrooper.”

“You don’t know how dangerous her stabs are,” muttered Crylo. He didn’t like being lectured like a baby.

“Take off your mask.”

Crylo felt humiliated to show him his scar that was totally like his grandfather’s.

“NO.”

“Dew it.”

He did. CGI Voldemort scoffed. “Don’t worry it’ll disappear pretty soon. Scars don’t last these days.”

“Should I take off my shirt too?”

“What,” said CGI Voldemort in outrage.

“Oh, it’s just a habit. I like showing off my abs. I feel like it can change people’s opinions on me.”

“Don’t bother,” said his master but Crylo felt it was a trick that may prove to be very useful in the near future.

*

Now that I had the map, I found my way to the island. I had high hopes that he would be very optimistic ever since he left his role as the protector of the galaxy and isolated himself in an island. Then again, he had left a map for someone to find him. It’s not like he didn’t want to be found, right?

He stood on top off a cliff and I approached him with the lightsaber this orange creature (she goes by female Yoda) had conveniently given me with the generic “good story for another time” excuse. I wonder when it would be the right time. Luke Skywalker looked at me with distaste as I held out his saber (which he must have thrown away) and looked at him longingly with teary eyes. This was the first time I tried putting on an emotional face so I hope I got it right. I have a good feeling about this.

BONUS (from Crylo’s POV)

To put it simply, I don’t vibe with my dad. He doesn’t like the bands I listen to and he doesn’t understand being emo isn’t a phase; it’s a lifestyle. My mom doesn’t pay much attention to me so they sent me off to my uncle, also known as “Very Lonely Luke.” He’s a Jedi Master now and a kriffing pain in the ass. Very strict and even threw away my holophones because I needed music to focus during meditation! What a jerk. I’m pissed at my parents for ditching me. So when I met my dad on the bridge I wasn’t happy.

“Ben, my son,” said my dad sadly. Ugh, how I hated that name. I was named after this general called Obi or something, who my parents never even met. This name was totally my uncle’s choice. Why must he control my life this way?

“Go away, Dad” I said as I took after my mask.

“I know there’s good in you” he said and a bunch of other nonsense that was totally wasted on me. But I wasn’t nicknamed baby psychopath by Uncle Luke for nothing. I smiled and went to hug him and pretended I was a decent human being. I reached for my lightsaber to kill him.

“Oh, and Ben?” whispered my dad in my ear. “That eyeliner sucks and your mom and I should have gotten rid of you when we had the chance.” I didn’t hesitate to drive my saber through him. He totally asked for it! How was it my fault?

Just as I withdrew my saber my dad told me the worst lie (IT WAS A LIE OK?! LIE!!!) ever.

“You’re adopted.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” 


End file.
